You think you are talking about the same thing. You are not.

A few years ago I sat in a café with a couple. It was supposed to be an ordinary coffee. Within 10 minutes they were arguing, quietly, the way people argue when they don't want anyone around to hear.

The topic was the weekend. He was working Saturdays again. She said: “You are never here.” He answered: “I am working for us. What do you want, for me to stop working?”

She said it wasn't about the money. He said then what is it about. She said if he had to ask, there was no point. He looked at his phone. She looked out of the window.

I watched them, and after 5 minutes it was clearer to me what was going on than it was to them. They were not arguing about the weekend. She was talking about missing him. He was talking about nobody seeing how hard he tries. Both were right. And that is exactly why neither could give way.

When I told them, they looked at me as if I had made something up. A few months later they split up.

Problems rarely come from something big. Most of the time they come from misunderstanding.

The topic and what sits under it

Every argument has a topic. The weekend, money, the dishes, his mother, who forgot to pay the electricity bill. That is what gets said out loud.

But every argument also has something under the topic. A question nobody says out loud:

• Do I matter to you?
• Do you see how much I do?
• Can I rely on you?
• Do you respect me?

While you argue about the topic, that question stays unanswered. That is why the same fight comes back every 2 weeks, just in new clothes. Today it is the dishes, next week his phone at dinner, and all along it is the same question.

How to tell you are going in circles

• It is the third time this month you are having the same argument about a different thing.
• The words “always” and “never” start appearing in every other sentence.
• You end up arguing about how something was said, not about what was said.
• You both walk away feeling unheard, even though you both talked a lot.

If you recognise 2 or more, you are not arguing about the topic any more. You are arguing about what sits under it, just without naming it.

The same thing happens in business

If you run your own business, you have seen this with clients too. Someone haggles for 20 minutes over 30 euros. You give way, she asks for more. It is almost never about the 30 euros. It is about not wanting to feel she paid too much. Once you see that, you stop defending the price and start giving her what she actually needs: the feeling that she made a good decision.

Or with a business partner who suddenly argues about every small decision. Usually it is not the decisions. It is that he feels he has less and less say. One conversation about that saves you 10 arguments about logos and deadlines.

The conversation in 3 steps

• Stop. Mid-sentence if you have to. You don't have to win the topic.
• Name what sits under it for you. Not for him, for you. Say it in one sentence.
• Ask about his. Not “what is your problem”, but “what is this about for you?”

“Wait. What are we actually arguing about? For me it isn't the weekend. It's that I miss you.”

The other side will go quiet for a moment. That silence is not a defeat. It is the moment the conversation became honest for the first time.

What if he can't answer?

Many men honestly don't have the words for what sits under the topic. Nobody taught them. If he shrugs, don't take it as “he doesn't care”. Offer him a guess he can agree or disagree with:

“Is it that you feel you work so hard and nobody notices?”

Often you will see his shoulders drop. You have just said, out loud, the thing he has been carrying for months. From there, the weekend is a 5 minute conversation.

GGospodinolog